Who has time for long-winded, ego-stroking think pieces anymore? Certainly not my generation. According to every article I’ve seen in the past ten years, millennials have the attention spans of lab mice, which is why we flock to short, punchy bursts of instant gratification like Vine and Twitter.
Well, allow me to continue that supposed trend today. I’m basically going to take tweets (succinct opinions) and publish them wholesale here. Let’s mock us some pop stars just in time for the Grammys, the most pretentious, inbreeding, self-aggrandizing excuse for an award show to ever grace cable television!
Let the mocking begin!
Queen of Modern Country. Breaks up the sausagefest.
Bearable since his bitter little balls dropped.
Madonna-wannabe. Wish she’d just sing.
Gifted. Gorgeous. Must have God-awful taste in men.
Wordy ginger brit with major feels.
Whether mad, sad, or glad, that chick be boy-crazy.
That one friend who never takes a vacation.
NOT A REAL ARTIST. SORRY NOT SORRY.
GLEE’s Amy Winehouse. Insufferable. Arrogant. “Hollywood fat” at best.
Asleep at the mic. Stream of consciousness. No new friends.
Thinks he can pull off Justin Timberlake.”Maroon 5 who?”
Retro-fitting the 21st Century, and I’m okay with that.
Hoping you’ll forget this one sometime soon:
‘Nough said…no really. You’d think it’s just one guy.
Like Miley Cyrus but with autotune and no Disney shackles.
Not as bad as they were, in nearly every way.
Discount Justin Timberlake. Still better than Adam Levine.
Iggy Azalea’s phony accent with actual pipes to back it.
Remember NSYNC? He pretends not to. Lonely Island represent!
Half of Justin’s range while singing through their noses.
Usually more fun away from the mic.
Gorgeous voice. Still not convinced she’d move on.
Doesn’t sound like he belongs to this decade.
Discount Katy Perry.
twenty one pilots.
Good points. Depressing music. Seem like they need Linkin Park.
Still can’t get over “bwake fwee.” Sorry. Nice voice though.
Boring music. Like Ariana, she looks 13.
More boring. Still can’t escape the mighty shadow of Disney.
Weird looking. Jerk to women. Still gets women….?
Scumbag. Decent voice. Awful. Has awful fans.
Amazing pipes. Pissy diva attitude.
The sound keys make in the dish washer.
My favorite artist. Needs a new live show routine though.
*Please note: this is not meant to be a serious stab at anyone other than Chris Brown.