What’s Wrong with Modern Horror?

I’ll probably go into this in more detail sometime soon, but for now, I have written you lovely folks a song. Please feel free to join in, to the tune of “My Favorite Things.”

Bad or bland heroes, please die in a fire

Blonde drop-dead hotties in flimsy attire

Cliches repeating to make a quick buck

This is why modern horror movies suck!

Partiers off to secluded locations

Drinking and sex leads to plot revelations

Police don’t get called or they just don’t believe

These are the tropes that make me want to heave!

Young child actors that come off robotic

Needless exposure to make things erotic

Monsters whose horror is only skin deep

These only show the director’s a creep!

Cars breaking down with no good explanation

Jumpscares composed of CG animation

Orchestra stings that can deafen your ears

These are not real things that anyone fears!

Not understanding the plot’s implications

Bad one-note villains with weird machinations

Writers don’t research or think through their words

These things will piss off horror movie nerds!

Human stories

Not too gory

Brand new plots and spooks

Find out what I’m scared of and give it a twist

And then I will take a look!

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