I’ll probably go into this in more detail sometime soon, but for now, I have written you lovely folks a song. Please feel free to join in, to the tune of “My Favorite Things.”
Bad or bland heroes, please die in a fire
Blonde drop-dead hotties in flimsy attire
Cliches repeating to make a quick buck
This is why modern horror movies suck!
Partiers off to secluded locations
Drinking and sex leads to plot revelations
Police don’t get called or they just don’t believe
These are the tropes that make me want to heave!
Young child actors that come off robotic
Needless exposure to make things erotic
Monsters whose horror is only skin deep
These only show the director’s a creep!
Cars breaking down with no good explanation
Jumpscares composed of CG animation
Orchestra stings that can deafen your ears
These are not real things that anyone fears!
Not understanding the plot’s implications
Bad one-note villains with weird machinations
Writers don’t research or think through their words
These things will piss off horror movie nerds!
Human stories
Not too gory
Brand new plots and spooks
Find out what I’m scared of and give it a twist
And then I will take a look!
